But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. ””Mark 11:25 NLT
I didn’t realize I was holding a grudge against someone until I read this passage. Many times in my life, whenever I’ve had a relationship or was dating someone, upon my ending it, I would move on. Although the scars would linger, I would try my best to ignore them.
Recently I found myself thinking about a few men I had just let go and I found it to be quite annoying that I couldn’t seem to forget everything about them including what they said or had done to make me want to end things with them. So one day I asked myself and Jesus in prayer, “Why can’t I forget the faces of these men?” I thought by not only telling them I don’t want to speak nor hear from them ever again, along with also deleting their names, numbers and pictures out of my phone meant I was forgetting them and moving on. However, all I was doing was suppressing my feelings. I was trying to bury and erase the emotions I had instead of simply dealing with them.
But it’s hard to deal with someone who doesn’t understand that they hurt you. The very idea of confronting someone who has no empathic comprehension as to how their actions and words made you feel is devastatingly moronic. Through my journey of spiritual growth, peace of mind and self-love and acceptance, I’ve realized that it all comes down to forgiveness.
Suppressing feelings of love, admiration and passion for another you once shared intimacy with doesn’t allow your heart to forgive. Thereby, it causes you to forever be stuck in an uncontrollable limbo between moving forward and going backwards. You can never let go of your feelings about that person because you won’t deal with the fact that you had feelings for this person and it just didn’t work out. You have to forgive yourself first. Only then, can you forgive someone else. It’s not easy, but something’s gotta give!
I realize now that in order for me to move forward, for my mind to rest and my heart to heal, I need to forgive myself for the choices I made in those past relationships. I need to forgive myself for allowing those people to hurt me. Please understand, forgiveness is NOT for the other person; it’s for you! It’s forgiving yourself for choosing to love someone in spite of the signs showing you that they were not the right one for you. It’s okay to forgive yourself for choosing to ignore the signs. We have all done it.
We’ve all fallen short of God’s glory by doing things that may not be good for us. I know I have. I’ve went past first dates with men that I knew from the moment I met them, they weren’t the right fit for me. I’ve started relationships and stayed in some far too long with men I knew didn’t have the best interest for my heart and well being. I’ve tried one too many times to make things work with people who I knew I just didn’t have much in common with and didn’t need to be with.
So now, after one too many trials, errors and chances with another, I’m choosing to love myself just as much as I’ve tried loving someone else. I recognize and know my self worth. I’m worth more than just a bitter or broken heart. I’m worth more than just settling for the wrong guys every time they come my way. I’m worth more than just taking someone’s plate of crap while I serve them a golden plate of love, empathy, affection and appreciation. I’m worth more than just feeling lonely in a relationship. I’m worth more than just being stuck in the past.
I choose to forgive myself for those times when I stayed longer than I should have. I’m forgiving myself for trusting in the words of a man when I should’ve watched their actions instead. I forgive myself for giving my all to the wrong people who only gave a percentage of themselves to me. I’m forgiving myself for loving another who did not truly understand what it means to love someone in return.
I’ve learned through my relationship with my late grandmother and scripture is the very essence of true love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT says, ““Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
My prayer for today is simply that you and I learn to love again by first loving ourselves. May God heal us by our confession of our own sins against our hearts. May we always be kind to ourselves while continuing to hold honesty in our hearts. Lord, we know we haven’t always been as guarded with our hearts as we should be, but I ask that you heal our brokenness, eliminate any bitterness within and let pure love shine through once again. We all deserve love but I know that upon loving you, we must first love ourselves. I pray that you teach us how to love once again. Let us trust no man’s words but God’s word and know that you love us just the way we are. May we understand our worth and the value of our hearts. May we learn to nurture it and guard it above all else. I pray that we one day find healing in forgiving ourselves and that we find the strength and courage to pray for those who have broken our hearts. I pray for all those who have taken advantage of our kindness, stomped on our compassion, driven away our smiles and abused our love. May God have mercy on them who’ve wronged and caused so much pain and tears to one of God’s most beautiful creations. May we someday find true love and the ability to love once more. I pray for healing, restoration, knowledge, guidance and empathy over our hearts, mind, body and souls. In Jesus name, I pray, Amen.
May God be with you. Peace and love,
~A.G.Rogers
(Instagram: @AndreaGees)
A Gees Life 
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